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When I returned, I found my son locked in his room while the babysitter was having sex with a man in my bed.

FML Today, I received my new laptop in the mail and put it on the kitchen counter, where my family charges all our electronics.

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[Hook - Big Sean:] I don't f_ck with you You little stupid ass b_tch, I ain't f_ckin' with you You little dumb ass b_tch, I ain't f_ckin' with you I got a million trillion things I'd rather f_ckin' do Than to be f_ckin' with you Little stupid ass, I don't give a f_ck I don't give a f_ck, I don't I don't I don't give a f_ck B_tch I don't give a f_ck about you or anything that you do Don't give a f_ck about you or anything that you do [Verse 1 - Big Sean:] I heard you got a new man, I see you takin' a pic Then you post it up, thinkin' that its makin' me sick I see you calling, I be makin' it quick Imma answer that sh_t like: "I don't f_ck with you" B_tch I got no feelings to go I swear I had it up to here, I got no ceilings to go I mean for real, f_ck how you feel F_ck your two cents if it ain't goin' towards the bill, yeah And everyday I wake up celebratin' sh_t, why?

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"I spent so much time just on my knees praying that God would change me," he said.

FML Today, I went to the doctor because of the redness and swelling of my penis, hoping that it was just a minor rash or allergic reaction. According to the doctor, who could barely stop herself from laughing, it's good old-fashioned friction burns.

FML Today, at my fundraising job, I got my biggest donation ever: 0.

I accidentally added a zero and charged the donor 00.

At least I would have if I had wound down the driver's window instead of the back window. I chose one called "Endurance" thinking it would be extra strong, put it on him, and gave it a suck. FML Today, my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me because she's feeling "emotionally unstable".

I realised my mistake when my lips and mouth went numb. It could be that, but maybe it has more to do with the fact her ex-boyfriend contacted her a week ago.

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